The dichotomy of this season: Brings to many joy- sorrow
It is for the rest of us / to give not / procured gifts / but gifts of the heart / of the deepest compassion / to others in need
Begin with a hug and go from there…
More random thoughts on this eve of christmas…
Here I am sitting in the coffee shop writing and feeling sorry for myself. I think about Christmas’ past and all that went with it in my very dysfunctional and distant family. I only remember a handful of Christmas’ we were all together, there was likely more when my parents were together. But they separated when I was very young so not much after that. Yeah I know, what is a normal family right? Well of course, my family (of which I was a distant eighth and last) was one of those who only got together for weddings and funerals (and not always). One of my sisters (who died at 44 of cancer), my mom, my dad (my mom when she was 90 and my dad was 92) are gone and so November and December are always reminders of this loss. On top of this how all the anger and pain in our family often bubbles up and has separated us further.
But having said that, I am the sum of my experiences, good and bad. I can be rather morose at times, but I also know I am a deeply feeling being who isn’t a stone wall, but an emotional sponge and for that, I am grateful. I look at some men who can go through the day, see much of the darkness of humanity and seem unaffected by it. Not to say nothing is going on inside, just outwardly how like a stone wall!
As for me, yes I’m one of those annoying guys who cry at the drop of a hat and feel everything. But I say what the hell’s wrong with that! I’ve heard it all: that men shouldn’t cry, should be strong, bla, bla, bla! I’ve found that men who are emotionally honest are men who are far stronger than the thickest stone wall.
It’s a far greater to be a fully functioning, feeling human being (man or women) than the one who prefers to swallow the pain (or joy) and say all that emoting is for the sissies!
Alas how grief touches us all: my wife is dealing with her first Christmas without her beloved mom. It will soon be a year, but how sharp each of these seasonal sign posts are on her heart. So often she cries out for her mom and how I see a profound sadness in her eyes. I am grateful I am there for her and with my experience in grief I know I have the tools to help her through the toughest moments.
And now my brother’s in the hospital with diabetes problems (he is in northern Alberta) and as it is Christmas Eve it will likely be though Christmas too. He’d had a very tough time of it. Of his own doing, but he’s paid his debt and wants to turn a new leaf and move on. Then when he is about to restart, his health throws a curve and he’s in a hospital bed. I wish I had the resources to help him through but I, daily, send healing thoughts his way.
Ah how this season brings us so much reflection…