Time’s Way With Us

springs along it does in pace
with our lives it does grace
how we strive to find it’s way
how it controls, cajoles, makes
things appear unknowingly
life appears unsteady in it’s wake

so we ponder, wonder how it does
move in unrhythmed ways for us
then the day comes alive when we
find that time is limited and contrived
then we realize…

time for us is but alive!

© 2011 by DC Lessoway

5 Comments on “Time’s Way With Us

  1. I think there is an interesting idea here but the language doesn’t quite work. There ia an archaism to the opening lines–the sense that this is going to be a rhyming poem–that you then don’t follow (rightly!). I wonder whether “along ” is right in L1, and I would change “unsteady” to “unsteadily” in L6 and “comes” to “becomes” in L9. I think the break and exclamation mark at the end don’t work (actually they never work–bitter experience!).

    I think the poem as a whole is trying too hard to be dramatic, when actually it’s factual and would benefit from you toning down the drama, emphasising the factual mundanity of the changing of the seasons.

    I hope you don’t mind my suggestions–I wouldn’t have made them if I didn’t see something worthwhile there.

    Best wishes,

    Steve

  2. No no problem at all. I have to say, as in my “Gut” poem, I write from the gut and edit little. I prefer not to and I know that more often than not I’ll have a miss than a hit. I can’t over analyize it, I just can’t. But again and again, thank you for taking the time to give the great feedback!

  3. I just discovered your poem. It is great! “Time for us i but alive”
    Thanks for dealing with us.

    Annegret

  4. You are welcome. It’s sad that poetry gets such a small look-in in the great debates about writing–it is after all the purest form. Thank you for what you said about “Moon” too.

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